Tuesday, February 03, 2009

February Changes.

Waz Up?

I've been observing a lot of changes lately. I haven't been pushing myself to make these changes, but more so realizing that they're happening and remaining comfortable with it. 
Comfort. Comfort. Comfort.
I have a feeling this comfort may not be lasting for too much longer. I've never really been one to stay 'dormant' in my life... I like to meet new people and challenge myself into growth. But I think what needs to be done right now is to rekindle with the old people. Place faith in friendship and love once again. My feelings of 'friendship' have been so detrimentally challenged these past few months that this will be a much harder goal than it may seem.
But, I want it to happen.
It's kind of been happening on it's own and I can only pray it continues to.

That's the other thing: Prayer.
No matter how devoted my faith, I've always put a low emphasis on prayer. I've never had much need or desire to do it. I went to Mexico last summer and witnessed such extreme outcomes of prayer that it almost sincerely put me in a stage of disbelief. But, I am falling deeply and quickly into the beauty of prayer recently... It started in England. I would pray for the smallest things... for people on my mind... for situations I was worried about. I'd be a fool if I didn't recognize the peace that I've felt since I've began this 'prayer streak.' I think it's because I'm constantly acknowledging things as they're happening, and realizing then the lack of control I really have over so many situations in life. I've been living in the present so much more. It's thrilling. My heart isn't tied down and my social network is once again expanding. 
I've been thinking more about social stuff/relationships. I think I'm ready for something. A relationship of sorts? I won't go looking for it... I never have and I probably never will. And eventually, that may just be where I fall short. I feel like I might have some potential in what I have to offer to some boy out there... but I can't spark enough confidence to attempt. I know that I will never be one of those girls who gives up their lifestyle and friendships to spend countless hours with the lova' boy... I can't do that. I refuse to do that. I pity the girls who do that.
I didn't really wanna go down that route.

Subject change? 

I've been thinking about 'goals' and my 'future' and where I want to be.
I have immediate goals... such as... complete homework to the best of my ability, cry when I need to but smile all the other, put as much of me as possible into my friends without a selfish thought, succeed in a stronger faith in God, myself and as generic as possible- life. 
But what about long term goals? What do I really want to be when I grow up? I was talking to my friend who is also a psych major and she has these ambitions. She wants to start a women's clinic in Africa. She has direction. She has motivation. And therefore, her work along the way is that much more enjoyable because she knows where she's going with it. I wish I had that. I wish I knew if I wanted to a job focussed on my psychology major, or a job focussed on my religion major. My heart keeps coming back to the cognitively disabled... or "mentally handicapped." They're a hidden passion and love of mine. I know my life would be fulfilled if I was helping and learning from these people every day. I think I have the patience, and I know I have the love.

I'd also love to just travel. 
No destination.
Just my bff, Olivia and I... a suitcase in hand... meeting new people along the way... Meeting up with Maried when she's living in Italy, visiting Ula in Poland, and Abby in Africa. 
I want to be cultured.
I may not even want to live in the U.S. for my entirety. I'm pretty sure of that. 

Oh gosh. 
Too overwhelming.
I'll break out in a nervous sweat if I start thinking about future endeavors in any greater depth.

I think I'll try and 'blog' more frequently. I'll continue to lack structure, but I'll just let my general thoughts go wild.
Wild thoughts.
Oh- and I'll probably HAVE to put a picture on every post I make. So, deal w/it.

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