Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Little light of understanding

Long time, no talk. 
What a life that's been happening. What a change that has been occurring. What destruction of trust that has shown itself. And what adaptation that has taken place.
I'm back on my feet I suppose you could say... But they're not the same two feet I've been standing on previously. These feet hold bigger secrets, yet carry heavier pride. I've successfully picked myself up from a relational disaster, I suppose you could say. I misplaced trust and I misplaced myself... but shit happens. I've just had an overload of learning and development... and I'm sure it's not over yet. 
Once again I've learned more about myself through every experience that's been thrown at me. I guess in the past few months I have learned the love/hate relationship that comes with being an empathetic and sincerely caring person. I've learned the beauty of time on relationships and self healing. And most of all, I've taken to appreciating 'the little victories' as Matt Nathanson would recognize it. I've also been trying to pay a higher attention to balance. I used to think that life was better living off of the ecstasy of emotions and people and excitement taking place at specific times in your life. But, lately I've appreciated the balance a lot more. If you devote too much hope and energy into one source you're bound to fall harder when the thrill dies. I'm not downgrading the weight and necessity of passion in life, but rather suggesting that after experiencing a time of complete and utter passion- I wish I would've had something to fall back on. I wish I would've balanced myself out with other people instead of put so much hope into one person and their influence on me. I've been making "cautious, deliberate mistakes" (from The Last Five Years musical). 
I'm noticing a pattern these days. I think that boys around the age of 18-22 experience a phenomenon that must be recognized. I've done a fairly strong job of making friends with boys of high intelligence, both intellectually and socially. However- this past year or so the majority of these respectable men have all experienced a same crisis. What comes next in their search for an adult life? Where do other people fit into your path of manhood? What steps are needed to mold into a responsible and respectable man? What areas of yourself do you leave behind and what do you bring with? There's this light switch that flips on in these boys I know. All of a sudden their lives must be analyzed. They must make rash decisions and more importantly they must be able to place confidence in their decisions... I don't feel comfortable naming or quoting specific situations, but I'll do my best to compare the two boys in particular that I'm thinking about. The first one is brilliant, talented and an above average male college student. And the second is exactly the same. They both placed high value in their relationships and were able to maintain a selected amount of friends who they trusted and respected. They were able to grow. They discovered new things about themselves through the people surrounding them, as often happens. But then- when everything seems great- something inside them shoots off a warning. I'm not sure what it is. I speculate it's some sort of identity analysis crisis situation or something? But eventually they have the ability to find such extreme discomfort in the comfortable that they run, they question, they freak. The people providing comfort and love before are no longer enough. Something is missing, and apparently the only answer is to take a selfish and independent journey to find oneself. I wish I could explain this better... It's funny that I've been so intimately affected by it twice now, within a short period of time, but I guess I still don't completely understand it to communicate it in theory. Or maybe I'm just trying too hard to search for an answer to legitimize why these two boys I love would so willingly hurt me? But, there are more little men out there who I can see thinking and behaving the same way. No longer is the world perceived as an adolescent. Now the world must be looked as though you're a man. But, how do men make decisions? How many people are men willing to hurt? Where do men place their faith and trust? 
Same goes for ladies, I'm sure- but it's a whole different battle. 


I've recently returned from a two week long trip to England with my college choir. It's funny how being in vulnerable situations faces you to react significantly quicker than you would in normal, day-to-day life. You can't run away from your thoughts or questions as easily. You have to face the question as often and as frequently as you can so that you can answer it as quickly as possible. It's so easy to notice a problem... and then over-think it, and analyze it, but then never react and try something. I admire people who can just react, with some hesitancy, and then make an assessment as to what comes next. I suck at thinking about people too much. It's my down fall. I'm trying this new thing out lately- It's called focussing on me. So far- the outcomes have been astounding. Two weeks away from my daily pressures and relationships have allowed me two weeks of up-close-and-personal time with myself. And those two weeks away came at the opportune timing... when my love for myself was at an all time low because my main source(s) of love had vanished. But- I'm back and rearing to go. I really like the idea of starting anew. Even in religion and Christianity one of my main attractions has been renewal of self and life style and relationships. I don't know any fool who wouldn't want that... 
So- I feel like I've taken to a new road lately. 
I'm piecing a lot together.
The only thing I have to do next is figure out what I want to do with my life.
Easy as pie.