Monday, December 27, 2010


This used to help me. You know. It made me arrange my thoughts, analyze my choices, acknowledge the people who were helpful from those that were harmful. At one point in my life I put a significant amount of time into eblogging; it was cleansing in a way.

And here I am now: needy, sensitive and overpowering. Things I never wanted to be. How did I let myself loose control? Fuck. I won't waste my time (or yours) beating myself up about it. Instead- I'll shut down the pity party. It's time for realization and change. I need to accept the things ahead of me, and quit being afraid. I need to find my strength again.

Relationships always seem to be on my mind. They trap me in. I'm in my first semi-long term relationship, and I think I'm trying to push him away merely because I'm a huge wimp. Yet again, I find that I'm afraid of what's to come... BEFORE it actually happens. People have torn me apart this past year. I trust hardly anyone. I've morphed into this cynic. And it's unflattering to my loving personality.

I've been trying to let myself get lost in lyrics & music. For some reason I've romanticized the idea of really letting my passion for music take over my life. Now would be the time to do it, right? I have the time. I have the emotions bundling up inside. Now I just need (for lack of better illustration) the balls. I feel like music is the answer for me right now, but I'm so hesitant to let it take me over.


Maybe I'll just sell amateur crocheted hats for the rest of my life.Hm. I won't count it out. I need all the options I can think of.

That's enough debbie downer attitude for one night.
There shall be more frequent postings as 2011 approaches, because I can no longer stomach the person I'm turning into.

Time for change.
Boot camp.