Excessive.

I realize this is excessive... two posts in one day... two posts in 6 hours? 

Holy crap- FREAKAZOID.

I've had a rough one, and I figure it'll be good for me to vent to the unresponsive internets. My head and heart have been filling with memories lately. I've been allowing too much nostalgia in, and not focussing on what's happening now. This is weighing me down. 

There's so much of me that's desperate to see that side again. So much of me who wants to reach out to you. I want to tell you what I see in you now, and hope that you may not want to be that person. I want to grab you by the hand and care for you.

But, I know it's not good. 

For you or I.

Have you ever wondered when there comes a point where you just "give up"? Is there ever a point that someone just doesn't deserve the love you're willing to give anymore? 

I don't think there is. I don't think I could ever rationalize the theory strong enough to convince myself that you're undeserved, or that I'm unwilling. 

Everything is splendid. But, I'm internalizing the past. Placing blame. Looking for explanations. 

It's probably just something that is happening today, and tomorrow I'll forget all about it. I won't dwell, but I can't forget. 

I got a little bit of lonely mixed in with all this busy. 

And that's throwing me off.

I feel so strong. So, we'll just call today, "A bad day." 

Tengo gusto de armonia.

Sugarfree had our second Dunn Bros gig this past weekend. I'm still amazed by how much fun it was. There was an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation that I've never felt before. Here I am, playing music with one of my favorite people in the world, and an amazing musician, surrounded by an entire coffee shop of our "fans." 

They're fans of us, and our music. And that means a lot.

My nerves and anxiety weren't present.

My excitement and enthusiasm couldn't be stopped.

And the music always felt right.

So it terms of a Saturday night, I rate it: A Success. 

Everything inside of me is getting anxious for warmer weather and outside time.

I miss bon fires. I miss camping. I miss running water. I miss sun tanned faces and blonde hair. I miss freckles. I miss driving with the windows down and the tunes blasted. 

I'm getting restless. 

Not too much to say... 

I like music and want sunshine. 

Why Love... of course

Happy Valentine's Day (belated).

I hope you all had a lovely day of worth and sincere appreciation for the ones you love. 

I was able to see the majority of people I love most this Valentine's Day... maybe not in the predictable context... but there was a visual sighting, nonetheless. 

Usually I get all "hopeless romantic" around this lovely February 14th time... but this year I haven't been hit by the girly bug. I have enough love from people around me to even be tempted by loneliness, right now. 

There are a lot of things I'm missing out on. But, there are a lot of things that I'm able to experience that people in relationships are missing out on as well. It's all a matter of timing, and comfort. Right now- I'm comfortable being the single girl I am. I'm not sure how long this comfort will last... but I'll soak it up while I can. I know I'm "ready" for a relationship, and I've seen enough ups and downs observing others to have an idea of what a good one takes. 

I'm willing to risk a lot for that potential... but not until I meet someone who I think is willing to ride that ride with me. 

So- on this Valentine's Day- all of my love goes to my friends and family... and with confidence I can say that this is really no different than any other day. 

Step on the love train... if you're like me... there's no getting off.

As long as there are people, there will be love.

Night Two.

Two nights in a row? 

Yes- Please.

I'm falling into things. They're just happening. 

I'm happy. 

I smile more.

I cry less.

I'm being challenged... and I'm growing.

I'm hiding my anxieties. I don't know why I wasted so much time acknowledging them in the first place.

I poured out my heart to one trusted youth pastor, and all of a sudden my insides feel good.

I think I have a crush on a boy.

Or- I think a boy has a crush on me.

I don't think I'll ever do anything about it... but I can't picture myself turning down a chance to get to know him. It's flattering (right, liv?).

I think Ula and Olivia are the only ones who read this... which makes me happy to know. Because Ula and Olivia are more than enough. And by Ula, I mean "Max." (tee hee).

A part of me is missing a part of 'someone' else... but I'm trying to deny it and force the feeling away. But, I do miss our conversations and heart felt relationship. Maybe one day we'll want it back.

I've decided that if I could have any power over my body I would design a remote control that turns on and off the female menstrual cycle. Jack and I were talking about this today. But, it would be so nice to have control over it. If I had a lazy day where I know I had nothing that needed to be done- I'd deem that day "period day." And, I'd just have to make sure that I get in 3-5 of those days a month. That'd be nice.

I'd never name my kid: Ida.

I like the names Harmony and Oliver.

And Connor ; )

ps. doesn't that picture/phone thing look like a person?

What would you name it ?

I'll go listen to music and fall asleep now.

Pigeons.

There are two pigeons that spend day in and day out seated upon a door. They may not know I exist, but I know they do. They may not read my mind or emotions, but I somehow expect them to. Since August 27th, those pigeons have been around. That's almost 6 months. Those pigeons have witnessed 6 months of my life at a closer view than most others. They don't know what's been going on. I don't really know what's been going on. All I know, is that there's a lot to be said for simply sticking by someone. It's a dedication that not many are willing to offer. But, I appreciate those two pigeons in their simplistic lifestyles. This all sounds lame, I know... But, I wish I had two pigeons to follow me through life for as long as possible. Two pigeons who will perch on my door for no other reason than it's where they belong, and want to be. They always have the option of flying away. They do fly away. But they always return. I don't need to see them to know where they are. They're just two pigeons. But they've given me proof of something I need.

I like those pigeons.

"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years."

I like song lyrics. India Arie's new CD came out this week and it's quite brilliant [go figure]. I wish I had more time to dedicate to analyzing song lyrics and meaning and motivation. I suppose I could make time. But, school work has been dominating me. No, school has been kicking my ass. I can handle some discipline and academic motivation in my life, but the amount of time and stress I've put into textbooks this week will never bring out the best of me. I need some spunk. I'm missing some spunk. I think I'll blame it on lack of music that's been happening. After all,  "music is what feelings sound like." 

I've restricted passion in my life.

I don't know why I'm doing it.

I don't know when I'll change it.

I'm putting up walls.

Maybe it's good?

Maybe it's needed?

But- it's not me.

But, where to put the passion?

People?

Music?

School?

I choose all.

And I'll always fall short. There's no harmony in passion. I'm full of contradictions. I am starving for passion, but tied to harmony. 

I want to challenge myself. I want someone to challenge me. I want someone to care enough about me that they'd be willing to challenge me. I want to feel cared for. I know I am. But I want to 'feel.' I can't feel when my mind is in a textbook. I can't sing when there's a sheet of music in front of me. But I can't remove the sheet. 

I want to cry when I sing. I like crying when I sing. I want to throw down the wall and let it out again. But I may not be ready. I've never been one to protect myself. Why am I trying to start now? 

All I want is a bon fire.

All I want is stars.

All I want is a best friend to give all to.

All I want is a picture of you to hang on my wall.

All I want is to feel the salt burn them.

All I want is to pray.

All I want is to hear your voice singing a harmony.

All I want is grass on my skin.

All I want is dirt mixed with water from melted snow.

All I want is that feeling of the three of us.

All I want is Lake Koronis.

All I want is to feel you.

All I want is to be uncomfortable.

All I want is the growth.

All I want is armonia.

All I want is a river.

All I want is never ending, breath taking, laughter.

I'm socially aware. 

That may not mean much to you, but it's explaining a lot of things internally for me. That simple statement is answering so many internal conflicts. 

"all at once-rushing from the sub pump-or so the story goes-balance we won't know-we will see when it gets warm" 

I'm ready to play music at a coffee shop.

I'm ready for the adrenaline. I'm ready for the vulnerability. I'm ready to force connection.

I don't have money anymore. I spent it all for great causes... so I'm okay with it.

I never listen to my own songs. So, why record them? 

I've been skipping 'our' songs. 

This is too abstract.

But that's just my social upbringing and culture talking.

Screw that.

I want goosebumps.

Why do they call them goosebumps?

I'm scared to let my full self out to some people. And I no longer think that's a bad thing. Not everyone wants it. And I don't want to give it to the undeserved.

I think that if I went to live music once a week, by myself, in a coffee shop, with nothing but a pen and paper I would be a stronger person. 

I can't multi-task when music is involved. I can only be. I can observe me. But I can't apply me... when there's music. 

"River Rise, carry me back home. I can not remember the way. River Rise, carry me back home. I surrender today... I was always a charmed flower child. I would sit for hours and listen to the sky." 

I think this is plenty for now. This is how my brain works. I'm sorry for the lack of explanation in most of what I said. No, I'm not. 

February Changes.

Waz Up?

I've been observing a lot of changes lately. I haven't been pushing myself to make these changes, but more so realizing that they're happening and remaining comfortable with it. 

Comfort. Comfort. Comfort.

I have a feeling this comfort may not be lasting for too much longer. I've never really been one to stay 'dormant' in my life... I like to meet new people and challenge myself into growth. But I think what needs to be done right now is to rekindle with the old people. Place faith in friendship and love once again. My feelings of 'friendship' have been so detrimentally challenged these past few months that this will be a much harder goal than it may seem.

But, I want it to happen.

It's kind of been happening on it's own and I can only pray it continues to.

That's the other thing: Prayer.

No matter how devoted my faith, I've always put a low emphasis on prayer. I've never had much need or desire to do it. I went to Mexico last summer and witnessed such extreme outcomes of prayer that it almost sincerely put me in a stage of disbelief. But, I am falling deeply and quickly into the beauty of prayer recently... It started in England. I would pray for the smallest things... for people on my mind... for situations I was worried about. I'd be a fool if I didn't recognize the peace that I've felt since I've began this 'prayer streak.' I think it's because I'm constantly acknowledging things as they're happening, and realizing then the lack of control I really have over so many situations in life. I've been living in the present so much more. It's thrilling. My heart isn't tied down and my social network is once again expanding. 

I've been thinking more about social stuff/relationships. I think I'm ready for something. A relationship of sorts? I won't go looking for it... I never have and I probably never will. And eventually, that may just be where I fall short. I feel like I might have some potential in what I have to offer to some boy out there... but I can't spark enough confidence to attempt. I know that I will never be one of those girls who gives up their lifestyle and friendships to spend countless hours with the lova' boy... I can't do that. I refuse to do that. I pity the girls who do that.

I didn't really wanna go down that route.

Subject change? 

I've been thinking about 'goals' and my 'future' and where I want to be.

I have immediate goals... such as... complete homework to the best of my ability, cry when I need to but smile all the other, put as much of me as possible into my friends without a selfish thought, succeed in a stronger faith in God, myself and as generic as possible- life. 

But what about long term goals? What do I really want to be when I grow up? I was talking to my friend who is also a psych major and she has these ambitions. She wants to start a women's clinic in Africa. She has direction. She has motivation. And therefore, her work along the way is that much more enjoyable because she knows where she's going with it. I wish I had that. I wish I knew if I wanted to a job focussed on my psychology major, or a job focussed on my religion major. My heart keeps coming back to the cognitively disabled... or "mentally handicapped." They're a hidden passion and love of mine. I know my life would be fulfilled if I was helping and learning from these people every day. I think I have the patience, and I know I have the love.

I'd also love to just travel. 

No destination.

Just my bff, Olivia and I... a suitcase in hand... meeting new people along the way... Meeting up with Maried when she's living in Italy, visiting Ula in Poland, and Abby in Africa. 

I want to be cultured.

I may not even want to live in the U.S. for my entirety. I'm pretty sure of that. 

Oh gosh. 

Too overwhelming.

I'll break out in a nervous sweat if I start thinking about future endeavors in any greater depth.

I think I'll try and 'blog' more frequently. I'll continue to lack structure, but I'll just let my general thoughts go wild.

Yeah.

Wild thoughts.

Oh- and I'll probably HAVE to put a picture on every post I make. So, deal w/it.