Spinning.

This used to help me. You know. It made me arrange my thoughts, analyze my choices, acknowledge the people who were helpful from those that were harmful. At one point in my life I put a significant amount of time into eblogging; it was cleansing in a way.

And here I am now: needy, sensitive and overpowering. Things I never wanted to be. How did I let myself loose control? Fuck. I won't waste my time (or yours) beating myself up about it. Instead- I'll shut down the pity party. It's time for realization and change. I need to accept the things ahead of me, and quit being afraid. I need to find my strength again.

Relationships always seem to be on my mind. They trap me in. I'm in my first semi-long term relationship, and I think I'm trying to push him away merely because I'm a huge wimp. Yet again, I find that I'm afraid of what's to come... BEFORE it actually happens. People have torn me apart this past year. I trust hardly anyone. I've morphed into this cynic. And it's unflattering to my loving personality.

I've been trying to let myself get lost in lyrics & music. For some reason I've romanticized the idea of really letting my passion for music take over my life. Now would be the time to do it, right? I have the time. I have the emotions bundling up inside. Now I just need (for lack of better illustration) the balls. I feel like music is the answer for me right now, but I'm so hesitant to let it take me over.

Bleh.

Maybe I'll just sell amateur crocheted hats for the rest of my life.Hm. I won't count it out. I need all the options I can think of.

That's enough debbie downer attitude for one night.

There shall be more frequent postings as 2011 approaches, because I can no longer stomach the person I'm turning into.

Time for change.

Boot camp.

harmony

I’m about to get something permanently put on my body. I never thought I’d ever be sure enough of any one word, symbol or phrase that could hold my attention for the rest of my life. But, it’s time to take some chances. It’s time to struggle past the commitment issues and just do something about it. For the rest of my life, on my left wrist will be the word, “harmony.” It seems so simplistic, but yet it carries never-ending meaning.

I’m 20 years old and I’ve finally observed and reconciled one lesson of life: There is a delicate balance that is universally needed. It takes harmony to maintain happiness. You can only ride the ecstatic adrenaline for so long. And you can only be trapped by serotonin imbalances for so long. Yes- for every positive there must be a negative. But instead of observing those positives as extreme “highs” and those negatives as extreme “lows” I will see them as a working, mutualistic relationship. A harmonious interconnectedness. A beautiful thing.

I’ve also learned how harmony plays a role in relationships. Internal and external relationships are dependent on harmony. There will always be insecurities if you can’t find the appropriate balance, both with others and within yourself.

And last, but not least: Harmony in music. This is what seals the deal for me. Singing harmony is so natural for me. The harmony almost makes itself more appealing and obvious to me than the melody. I’d prefer to leave out the music terminology and theory when trying to explain to someone how to sing harmony, and just tell them to sing what feels right. Odds are, if they have any musical ear, a harmony will be created. It may be a harmony that I would never hear, or it could consist of the basic thirds and fifths that our ears are drawn to. But either way, it’s a powerful factor in the music. It molds the feeling. It creates the story. Harmony is what brings music alive for me. And often times, harmony is what connects me with the people I’m making music with.

Harmony.

I’ll attempt to live, breathe and create it for the rest of my life.

Ying/Yang

I've decided the main characteristic that I need in a man. Screw honesty, intelligence, compassion... I need a man who can pull out the one liners like no one else. I'm a simple girl to please. Hit my funny bone with a predictable side comment or pun and I'll be eternally yours.

I have nothing to write about these days (hence the extreme absence). The drama of last year has calmed. I'm finally balanced and back at it. The pieces I lost are slowly being pulled back and shit is good. I'm as content, harmonious and satisifed as I could be.

Fall is so renewing. Granted, the weather has seemingly decided to skip fall and go right for the white powder (dumb). But despite the harsh temperature drop there's a certain atmosphere that accompanies fall. I'm thriving off it right now. My school schedule is so lax, and junior year has just been a blast from space. I can't get over these amazing people that keep being put into my life. Just when I thought that my friendships can't get any stronger or that there's no possible way I could have any more above average, amazing friends... at least one more person comes along. Someday I'll own a house and invite every one of these friends over. I'd explode from gratification and utter happiness if I was ever able to have them all in the same room. There's a large part of me that is still just emotionally drained and it's not fair to these new friends of mine who are deserved of more emotional intensity than I can give them at this time. But for now the emotions will stay in that hidden little part of me. They're safe there, and I've never been one to bottle things up for too long so I'm not worried about them overstaying their welcome.

Sphhhhatttt else? Hmmm. My big brother still hasn't been able to make it over here from Chi town. I miss his ass. I hate hate hate seeing such strong parallels between him and this other guy I know...

John Mayer has a new CD coming out soon. It better not be super lame and dumb. November 11th. Don't let me down, JM. I defend you too much these days.

Langhorne Slim has found his way into my daily ear. He's a rip roaring lyricist.

That oughts do the trick for now...

Homework calls.

While in this state.

I've been dreaming of writing.

Living.

Processing.

Correcting.

I've been dreaming of falling.

Helplessly.

Stuck.

Torn.

I've been dreaming without you.

I've been living without you.

Confusion.

Sarcasm.

Love.

I've been dreaming of composing.

Lyrics.

Lines.

Endings.

I've dreamt of the future.

Hidden.

Unknown.

Hopeless.

I've been dreaming.

Laughing.

Loving.

Free.

I've been dreaming.

I've been dreaming to write.

I've been dreaming of falling.

I've been dreaming without you.

I've been living without you.

I've been dreaming of composing.

I've dreamt of the future.

I've been dreaming.

I've never truly dreamt before.

Excessive.

I realize this is excessive... two posts in one day... two posts in 6 hours? 

Holy crap- FREAKAZOID.

I've had a rough one, and I figure it'll be good for me to vent to the unresponsive internets. My head and heart have been filling with memories lately. I've been allowing too much nostalgia in, and not focussing on what's happening now. This is weighing me down. 

There's so much of me that's desperate to see that side again. So much of me who wants to reach out to you. I want to tell you what I see in you now, and hope that you may not want to be that person. I want to grab you by the hand and care for you.

But, I know it's not good. 

For you or I.

Have you ever wondered when there comes a point where you just "give up"? Is there ever a point that someone just doesn't deserve the love you're willing to give anymore? 

I don't think there is. I don't think I could ever rationalize the theory strong enough to convince myself that you're undeserved, or that I'm unwilling. 

Everything is splendid. But, I'm internalizing the past. Placing blame. Looking for explanations. 

It's probably just something that is happening today, and tomorrow I'll forget all about it. I won't dwell, but I can't forget. 

I got a little bit of lonely mixed in with all this busy. 

And that's throwing me off.

I feel so strong. So, we'll just call today, "A bad day." 

Tengo gusto de armonia.

Sugarfree had our second Dunn Bros gig this past weekend. I'm still amazed by how much fun it was. There was an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation that I've never felt before. Here I am, playing music with one of my favorite people in the world, and an amazing musician, surrounded by an entire coffee shop of our "fans." 

They're fans of us, and our music. And that means a lot.

My nerves and anxiety weren't present.

My excitement and enthusiasm couldn't be stopped.

And the music always felt right.

So it terms of a Saturday night, I rate it: A Success. 

Everything inside of me is getting anxious for warmer weather and outside time.

I miss bon fires. I miss camping. I miss running water. I miss sun tanned faces and blonde hair. I miss freckles. I miss driving with the windows down and the tunes blasted. 

I'm getting restless. 

Not too much to say... 

I like music and want sunshine. 

Why Love... of course

Happy Valentine's Day (belated).

I hope you all had a lovely day of worth and sincere appreciation for the ones you love. 

I was able to see the majority of people I love most this Valentine's Day... maybe not in the predictable context... but there was a visual sighting, nonetheless. 

Usually I get all "hopeless romantic" around this lovely February 14th time... but this year I haven't been hit by the girly bug. I have enough love from people around me to even be tempted by loneliness, right now. 

There are a lot of things I'm missing out on. But, there are a lot of things that I'm able to experience that people in relationships are missing out on as well. It's all a matter of timing, and comfort. Right now- I'm comfortable being the single girl I am. I'm not sure how long this comfort will last... but I'll soak it up while I can. I know I'm "ready" for a relationship, and I've seen enough ups and downs observing others to have an idea of what a good one takes. 

I'm willing to risk a lot for that potential... but not until I meet someone who I think is willing to ride that ride with me. 

So- on this Valentine's Day- all of my love goes to my friends and family... and with confidence I can say that this is really no different than any other day. 

Step on the love train... if you're like me... there's no getting off.

As long as there are people, there will be love.

Night Two.

Two nights in a row? 

Yes- Please.

I'm falling into things. They're just happening. 

I'm happy. 

I smile more.

I cry less.

I'm being challenged... and I'm growing.

I'm hiding my anxieties. I don't know why I wasted so much time acknowledging them in the first place.

I poured out my heart to one trusted youth pastor, and all of a sudden my insides feel good.

I think I have a crush on a boy.

Or- I think a boy has a crush on me.

I don't think I'll ever do anything about it... but I can't picture myself turning down a chance to get to know him. It's flattering (right, liv?).

I think Ula and Olivia are the only ones who read this... which makes me happy to know. Because Ula and Olivia are more than enough. And by Ula, I mean "Max." (tee hee).

A part of me is missing a part of 'someone' else... but I'm trying to deny it and force the feeling away. But, I do miss our conversations and heart felt relationship. Maybe one day we'll want it back.

I've decided that if I could have any power over my body I would design a remote control that turns on and off the female menstrual cycle. Jack and I were talking about this today. But, it would be so nice to have control over it. If I had a lazy day where I know I had nothing that needed to be done- I'd deem that day "period day." And, I'd just have to make sure that I get in 3-5 of those days a month. That'd be nice.

I'd never name my kid: Ida.

I like the names Harmony and Oliver.

And Connor ; )

ps. doesn't that picture/phone thing look like a person?

What would you name it ?

I'll go listen to music and fall asleep now.